UPDATE: Self-care in the era of Trump, 2024 edition
The original post in 2019 (below) claimed to be bipartisan, maybe it was. That word was important to me five years ago. It’s not anymore. This is not a bipartisan post - it’s a post that rejects systems of oppression, including late-stage capitalism, white supremacy, colonialism, and patriarchy.
I wrote the original post in 2019. Five years later the advice remains salient, though we are not the same.
The collective WE is living with the impacts, personal and global, individual and existential, of a constellation of crises. We lived through 45’s one-term presidency (and wait to see which impaired white man, 45 or 46, will assume the role of 47), a global pandemic, and a reckoning with the injustices of the systems intended to bring order to our masses (haha?).
A spotlight was thrown on the systemic bigotry that built this nation and continues to plague us. As I write this tens of thousands of humans have died since October 2023 in a war that has divided families, friends, and institutions, thousands of miles away. “War” is incorrect, Genocide is what we are watching.
We have watched, actually watched - on televisions, phones, and computers - countless humans, of all ages, die from all of the aforementioned sickness that is colonialism. We watch this happen every day. We hear these stories every day. Every day since March 2020 we have been ablaze with imagery and sounds of death and suffering. (**Of course this suffering existed before 2020, though the last five years is the container for this article)
Our bodies feel this. Our bodies carry this. Before we had politics we had social nervous systems.
We. Feel. This.
So here is an updated self-care guide that’s a bit out-of-the-box, but that’s ok because the box is fucking broken.
1) Learn about Grief:
In this part of the world, we are grief-illiterate. That’s not a judgment, it’s an indisputable truth. Look up the definition of ‘grief’ and even the dictionaries fail to capture the force and fervor of the word. We need this language, now more than ever, to hold in our bodies the amount of pain and suffering we all surely endure, be it in our personal lives or witnessing the collective pain.
I thought I knew about grief because I knew how to cry when someone I love died. Thankfully I had a parent who allowed me to cry, to writhe in pain, and to crumble apart at the hem for some time. But what then? Where does the grief go? How does it transmute? Who takes it? What happens the next time grief stands next to you and picks up your hand? Do we get better at grieving? It’s possible. Can we perfect and predict the rhythm of grief? No.
Go slowly, learning about grief is nervous system work of the most tender and nuanced kind.
Here are some humans who are fluent in the language of grief - who, thankfully, know so much more than I do about this. I brim with thanks for the hands and hearts of these people, teachers, grief-walkers, who can show us, if we so dare, what grief is:
Also, Bernadette Pleasant’s Grief Ritual, and this talk between my teachers, Kimberly Ann Johson and Stephen Jenkinson.
2) Get to know your Nervous System:
If there is one thing I could preach without sounding like a preacher, because a preacher I am not, it would be that healing ourselves and our communities starts with understanding our nervous system. The ‘nervous system’ is having a bit of a pop-icon moment, which is great until it’s not. There is a lot of attention on this (very real and tangible) part of our bodies, but the information has been diluted, and much of what’s out there* (*the eternal space of the interwebs) is marketing and click-bait crap.
There’s one person I would trust my nervous system with (and have for several years now) and that is Kimberly Ann Johnson. Her website, resources, podcasts, books, articles, interviews, etc. are extensive - dip your toe in, have a listen or a read.
Another nervous system pro is Irene Lyon who has a ton of free resources on her website and lots and lots of YouTube content.
3) Be in control of your devices, not the other way around:
Turn off notifications, remove apps and visit them on your computer, use the Do Not Disturb function, and give yourself a ‘content’ bedtime when it all goes away for the day - because it WILL be there tomorrow.
When we start to understand our nervous system and how we are activated by the happenings of our life and the world around us, it becomes crystal clear that we just were not built to be hypervigilant in the way that our culture demands us to be (PING! slack! PING! text! PING! NYT/WSJ/VOX/etc. notification! PING! email! PING! text! PING! new podcast alert! PING! Venmo request! To infinity and beyond!)
For most of us, our phone is a leash tethering us to everything. Phone numbers, emails, work, calendars, socializing, entertainment, food procurement, eeevvvveeeerrrryyyyyytttthhhhiiiinnnnngggg. Convenient, yes. A breeding ground for a whole new umbrella of ‘pathologies’ - also yes. The answer isn’t to drown it in the toilet (though, if you must…), the answer is probably closer to being aware - like really aware (see above about getting to know your nervous system) of why you are using your phone and how you feel while using it.
No, you’re not feeling ‘nothing’, you’re not the singular anomaly amongst all of the research about phones and mental health (p.s. did you know about ‘Nomophobia’? I didn’t until about five minutes ago!). You’re feeling something - get curious about what that feeling is, and get rebellious with the Do Not Disturb feature of that phone of yours.
4) Hug a damn tree:
The interwebs are full of evidence about the psychological benefits for humans when we spend time in nature (here, here, and here, for starters), about how being in nature is a nervous system regulator (here and here), and about the burgeoning new field of Ecopsychology. If your big ol’ human brain needs some evidence about why sitting by the water, hugging a tree, gazing at the sky, and standing in awe of the wind and rain is good for us as human animals, read the above links and then go outside, or open a window all the way and look up, or call a friend as ask to go for a walk, or, or, or, or, or. You get the idea.
5) Seek pleasure:
I wrote this one last, for a very good reason. This is the one that I struggle with the most. So bear with me, this one I wrote as a love letter to myself as well.
pleas·ure
/ˈpleZHər/
noun
a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.
Pleasure, for the colonial and Christian West, is sticky murky, and fraught. The above definition was surprising to me. As a human recovering from religion, when I hear pleasure I think of sex. There are so many layers there - an entire essay just on this pairing and all of the meaning that was made long before I was alive, though it passed down to my brain and body. So if pleasure isn’t sex (though sex SHOULD ALWAYS be pleasurable for ALL involved), then what is it? I’m not sure, but there are a few humans who know pleasure and do it so fucking well.
Watching other humans be with pleasure has been prescriptive - like, oh, we’re allowed to look/feel/act/sound like that?! There are two people who I watch with wonder at how they seem to be able to be with pleasure (and also all the other feelings and experiences, they don’t bypass life with pleasure-seeking). I wish I had a longer list to share, but it seems I have some work to do, for myself, in finding access points to pleasure. For now, enjoy these two fiery women:
Finding a ‘pleasure practice’ is a new idea for me. What does it even mean to practice pleasure? From what I’m learning, it seems to involve doing things that make you feel something good/happy/relaxed/soothed/full/free/soft/loved/loving/yummy without there being a transactional component to it (“I’ll do this for myself because I earned it/worked hard for it/owe it to myself, etc”). Think reading for pleasure versus for knowledge acquisition; moving your body in ways that feel good versus ways that make you sweat so you lose weight/maintain weight/produce a certain visual outcome.
I’ll check back in with you in a while and let you know how my pleasure-seeking is going 🌈✨.
In rest and rebellion,
Jess
P.S. Read the original post below for notes on social media, sleep, breath work, and (eh hem) therapy (wink).
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Original article written in 2019:
Self-care in the Era of Trump (2019)
“This is a bipartisan blog post (but you can go ahead and throw me some shade if you disagree).
Whether you voted for Mr. Trump or not, whether you supported the agenda he ran his campaign on or not, or applauded how he made it rain like Lil’ Wayne at the strip club with pink slips all over 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I have some truth to dispense: the emotional thermometer of the country is at a boiling point, regardless of what side of the aisle you sit on.
In times of crisis and trauma, our brains enact a deeply primitive and highly effective process known as Fight or Flight (now known as Fight, Flight or Freeze) which releases lots of stress hormones and leaves us in a state of hyperarousal. Anyone who has ever had an anxiety attack can assure you that this state of hyperarousal is the opposite of a good time. Enter, Self-Care.
Self-care is a term we hear a lot and the way the term is used in the current vernacular deviates from its original definition (no, drinking that bottle of Pinot Noir you’ve been saving since your trip to the Loire Valley while eating a bag of Milano cookies is not self-care…I know, I wish it were too).
Taking time to make self-care practices part of your daily life will assist in keeping your mind and body calm (when the world around you is crazy). Having a few of these tools in the front of your mind can only help in a situation of acute stress when that fight, flight, or freeze feelings envelop you like the Smoke Monster in Lost.
1. Remove your social media apps from your phone.
How many times today have you checked Facebook or Instagram or Twitter because you were waiting to cross the street, or standing in line at the coffee shop, or waiting for the train – just because you had a moment of non-activity that needed to be occupied by feverish (compulsive?) refreshing of your social media feeds? The likely answer? A lot.
Do you know what is clogging up your feed? Politics, nasty, ugly, brutal politics. People are freaking out. People are spewing that freak out into the social media ether. Delete the apps, and check in at the beginning and end of your day. No need to feel the barrage of emotional upheaval in 10-minute intervals.
2. Know when to turn the news off.
If you’re like me, you start your day with your favorite news program. You wake up with two thoughts, A) coffee! and B) Has the world imploded yet? The thing about the news is that they repeat the same information over and over and then once more for good measure. Get the info you’re seeking and turn it off before you start screaming obscenities at the screen, which is not exactly the most serene way to begin your day, ‘amirite?
3. Think globally, act locally.
Growing up my mom had a button that read “Think Globally. Act locally.” on the visor in her car (“Challenge Authority” was also up there – both made a big impact). It’s easy to get lost in the overwhelming grandiosity of the injustices we witness via media outlets. The magnitude of the problems the world faces can render one feeling helpless and inert. Try to scale it back to how your community could benefit from your help. The PTA, school board, town hall meetings, get in touch with your district’s council member. You can “be the change” right in your community.
4. Breathe (no, not the way you’re breathing right now).
Deep, cleansing breaths. The ones where you fill your lungs and slowly and deliberately exhale. Do that, at least four times, whenever you think to do it (not just when you’re having a panic attack). This kind of breathing slows your heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and alleviates your body’s stress response (Need more proof? Read this article from Harvard Medical School).
5. Sleep.
I know, it’s on every list of self-care-like articles from BuzzFeed to the American Psychological Association - it’s that important. Whether you are staying awake to binge-watch TV shows or are helplessly lying awake staring at the ceiling with your mind shooting ping-pong balls of thoughts angrily about, what we put sleep off, be it intentionally or not. If you belong to the latter group of insomniacs who suffer from a brain that seems to have smashed its off-switch, try some of the breathing from No. 4. and a guided meditation from meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach.
6. Emotional Care.
This is not a shameless plug, this is a serious call to action. There are lots of reasons people find themselves in my office. The overwhelm that people are experiencing during this era of hyper-political consciousness is a large load of stress to wash, dry, fold, and put away alone. A catalyst for self-exploration, a necessary tool to dismantle toxic stress, a shelf to place one heavy emotional item you’ve been carrying – whatever it is, therapists usually have comfortable couches.
If ever there was time to invest in self-care, be it through mindful deep breathing or by engaging in therapy to support emotional homeostasis, it’s now.”
